Well, that was awkard

So, I'm sitting here at my work, just minding my own business. The day is deader than a door nail, and I can't wait for something to happen, the only thing so far was a jerk ass customer tried to shop us after buying a car and my business manager was none too happy cause he stayed after for the woman and sacrificed his family time. I can't even remember what I was doing at the moment, but all of a sudden my phone rings. I don't recognize the number and I could car less, I'm a car salesman, now it's expected for odd numbers to call me, especially since my cell is plastered on my business card as my direct line. Whoever was the asshole who decided to do that to me should get smacked in the face. Anyways, it rings, I pick up, "Hello, Alex Dominguez" and this voice says, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to call you" I'm thinking it's just a customer and I say, "Why not?" and she says, "because I just.. I didn't think you would have the same number, I'm sorry" I blank stare and stop my procedure and discover in one brief instant who it is. "Oh my God, I just realized who this was" "Sorry I didn't mean to call" "No that's ok, it's fine." "Sorry." "No it's fine... are you well?" "Yeah. I am, you?" "I'm good. I'm... uh, I'm here at work, I'm a car salesman, that's why I answered all professional like." "I'm sorry I called" it's ok, you... you take care of yourself, ok?" "Ok", and I think she said you too, but I can't be sure now, come to think of it. i cold here the shock, confusion, anger, and fear in her voice. Like that it would happen again, that it would start again, bad for her, bad for me, scum of the earth, fear, hope, and love... and dread. I put the phone down, stair into the distance just for a little. See my co-workers and get up, it's time for a walk. i stroll the lot, trying to make it seem like i give a shit about my job. It's not that bad. I think to myself it's not what it used to be, before I would be crushed, before I would dwell, and even now as I write this I know it's not even good to write, but I haven't in so long that maybe I can clear my head. But as soon as I stepped onto that parking lot, i stair off into the distance, into the setting sun, and only one things comes to mind, and I say it out loud, "God, I'm an asshole"

The Only Way to Make Things Right

Alex

hey, when is your weddings?

Put me down

I need to get my mail

your invitation went to my old address

9:41amStephanie

yups

u can rsvp online if u want: www.mywedding.com/griswoldlopez

9:51amAlex

funny

9:51amStephanie

how is that funny

9:52amAlex

whats the date?

9:52amStephanie

september 5th

9:52amAlex

ok

9:52amStephanie

reception starts ata 8

*at

ceremony is at 2

9:52amAlex

your site music should be michael jackson

9:52amStephanie

why

9:53amAlex

cause, he rocks?

9:54amAlex

Bah, you are no fun in the morning

I'm a have to buy a newass suit for dis too

9:55amStephanie

no i really am not lol

u can wear whatever u want... as long as its kinda dressy

9:57amStephanie

did u hear kristine got engaged 2 weeks ago?

10:01amAlex

yeah

that's cool

hopefully love finally triumphs

Oh, and i'm crazy, but i'm going to and try to propose to Selena

You're the only one that knows

10:07amStephanie

ohh geez well good luck

10:10amAlex

it will be the ultimate test, to put it to the end, one way or another, it will show that atleast it wasn't without that final push, and show Selena that too

She then can never accuse me of not having the balls to do it, and I can atleast say, "Atleast I tried"

10:11amStephanie

true

10:12amAlex

it's a cute ring too

10:18amStephanie

aww

10:18amAlex

White gold, with a pink gem, with little diamonds around it

10:19amStephanie

aww

that does sound cute

10:19amAlex

i'm going out there tonight

she hates me, lets see whats this does

both of us have been on edge, she may blow up in my face, but I have to do this

right after work, i'm not leaving until I find her

10:20amStephanie

that is very romanitic

good luck

10:20amAlex

I got out of work late, and I knew I was too tired, I went straight to bed so I would be ready

thanks

Say a prayer for me

This is the only way to make things right

10:21amStephanie

sure thing

Jim Croce

I miss my father

death

LIfe, is, Hell. I have no right to be angry, as all my actions turned from hero to villan. I am going... to hell...... message out.

Here's looking at you, Trix

A call out to Veronica. I loved you, but I barely knew you, and yet all I needed was to experience you once, and you had a hold on my life. I hate the unatinability of you, the desire, the love, the spark, the heart. I've seen a many girl who have aspired to be like you, and yet that perfect match of personality, cunny, and determination have aluded them all.

You're ability to stay off the grid only adds to your allure. It only adds to your mysteriousness that makes a man scream for more. And while those who have more than enough of you have squandered every last drop of their experience, our experiences always had poinence, always had meaning, always had significance and reason. We loved beyond our other significant others, and kissed in the deepest recesses of the night, held each other in need, and admitted our darkest secretes in total confidence.

I will never love like that agian, and something makes me not want to ever again. Because if it is without you... then it... is in vain.

Take care Trix, I love you.

Quixotic

Alright, no more fucking around no more. I'm making a come back, the Alex all of you have come to know is no more, I'm going to be heroic, with a slice of love. I used to save everyone, only to be left in ruin. But it was me that was supposed to be ruined, and one else, I've steered from that vow. I don't give a shit, I can still love Selena, but it will be on my terms in the right way, cause I can still be the hero. Ever since Brenda, I've strove to save anyone and everyone from harm, I'm a sucker for the babes, but know that outright, what I have to do now... it's take it all back. Love my family, love myself, and love everyone else... the right way.

Songs

False Remembrencies

you ever try to write a song without words?

if we can just stay alive long enough, we might become somebody

A Moment Like That in Ages

And so it was, the thing that I needed, for someone to care, for someone to care about, and someone to care about me. I came home, exausted, trampled by the day, trampled by the sights and sounds of dance, trampled by my own life and fears and sorrows. Practice was cancled by me, and then I didn't go home because my parents said to do so tomorrow. I went back to my place, to Rob, who failed to even say hi, as I walked in my room, i shook with grief kneeling upright on my bed. I ceased to shake and proceeded to turn my stereo on. Miles Davis was my cure, but still the deepening music for my soul only kept me in a state of reflectivness. And so it was, that I looked at my phone, it was silent and lifeless. I looked at a message of motivation on the front screen that read, "VeronicaCnSavU". How I missed her so, but I failed to even try to think I could somehow talk to her. I tried to change my phone banner to, "Don't Forget to See Him", refering to God, but it didn't look right and didn't fit right. As I cancled out, I instantly saw my message of hope again, and then I placed the call. In seconds Veronica picked up, and our sorrowful voices both aked for each other. As we found out we needed some hope it became clear what to do. Veronica says, "What are you doing?" I say nothing, and then she asks, if I want to come over for a little bit. Instantly the mood changes, our hearts lift up, and the even the song changes to an upbeat tempo.

Am I the Youngest Guy Here?

I'm standing in line at the local Best Buy, a Quicksilver Currier Employee to the right of me, and a Jack Nicholson look a like to my left, both deriding about their future hopes, and past crushed dreams waiting for a product from one of the most coveted systems ever created! The Wii is this insane phenomenon that just begs for nuclear apocalypse, and I'll tell you why. Oh sure, this was the second Best Buy I was at this morning, and it was oh so inspiring, the crisp dewy morning atmosphere, listening to the uproarious thunder of a water pressured street cleaner, but I digress, these two gentlemen where there for the same reason I was, to play games. Ah, you could see it in their eyes, the sparkling glitter of a life now past of sitting on the floor in their pj's, with nothing better to do but eat excrustiatingly expensive brand name cereal, watching shitty Sonic the Hedgehog episodes at 8 in the morning. Yes, it was a time of carefree days, of no concerns, but now that time for concern is at bay. I'm standing there, listening to these two fucktards jabber away at being 1st in line, last in line and eveyrthing in between about previous game releases, even some old guy who couldn't have been less than 70 regaled a time that civilized women would claw away at each other in the 40's when the department store sales would occur, which was the style at the time. But here is what I realized in that instant, a thought occurred, I looked to my right, then to my left, for which I soon questioned out loud..., "Am I the youngest guy here?" I do a quick divvy of the ages of those in line before me, while my age barometer is broken for those girls in high school to college, I can still tell the age of insufferable yuppy larva when I see one. I WAS THE YOUNGEST ONE THERE! Discounting my brother, a mear year an two months older than me, I was the youngest ray of light waiting for the coveted Wii fit. I mean, some people didn't even know what the HELL THEY WERE IN LINE FOR! "Excuse me, I'm new at this, what do we do?" FOR FUCK SAKES LADY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN LINE!?!?! QUIT WASTING MY TIME!!!!! SHe almost bought my answer of, "Ok, here is what you do, you let me go ahead of you, and I'll grab you one." After the assholish Best Buy blue meanie came out, and said under his breath, "blah minimum wage blah blah Wii Fit blah." and I'll complete his sentence, "I'm a freaking MORON!" he hands out pieces of paper with numbers on them for Wii Fit, almost in the same manner as the earlier Best Buy employees did, but less cordial, not even addressing the number of Wii Fits in stock, or who was there for one. This ass clown with a white man fro even bought one with said numbered paper, AND DIDN'T EVEN OWN A WII YET! Sure, some of them were there for Wii, and other's for Mario Kart. HASN"T THIS STUFF ALREADY BEEN OUT FOR MONTHS?!?!? GET ON IT NINTENDO! But, to their credit, it dispelled the notion that the Wii is just a gimic for all intensive purposes, atleast to this jaded Nintendo "Fan Boy". Still, Fan Boy is an outdated term at best, atleast for Nintendo, because I was the youngest guy there, a couple of kid stragglers aside, they could care less what line they were in before succuming to their sugar bowl enduced siezures, the new term should be fan yuppy, cause that's what I was beaten buy, some aging hipster who just bought the Wii Fit cause he got an numbered index card, and some dumb as lady who was "new at this". INSANITY! I mean, youngest guy in a Nintendo line? This is pandamonium! Dogs and Cats living together, MASS HYSTERIA! I mean, I can't live the button-down life like yous, I want it all! The terrifying lows, the dizzying highs, the creamy middles. Sure, I might offend some of the blue noses with their cocky stride, and musky odors, OH!, I'll never be the darling of the, so called, "City Fathers", who cluck tounges, strokes their beards, and talk about, "What's to be done with this Alex Dominguez!?" Because, in America, first you get the Wii Fit, then you get the power, then you get the women.


p.s. Best Buy can suck my cock.

Solitude

It's something I crave, and something I loath. Why, do we as people, desire companionship, all the while also needing space. Maybe it's those who are not ready for a complete relationship, be it romantic or plutonic, that ask for this so called idea of "space". I think, that after getting it, just finally getting it, I realize how alone I truely am. I've been thinking about Selena constantly, and my desire to be a good man, also fighting the idea of making things right. It's so intense. Every day I wake up, just aching to get out of bed, but I can't do it, i can't get out. I sit there, for hours on end, just in self pity, just denial. I'm trying to find a job, and my search is daunting, it also keeps me from getting up, cause I feel pathetic. I need work, it's what keeps a man sane in this do nothing world. A man does not live on dreams alone. And right now, I'm running on fumes, I have been for quite awhile. My dreams aren't what they used to be. When someone ask me, "Well, what do you want to do?" I draw blanks. I really have no fucking idea at all anymore. I need to do something though, I'm applying everywhere, so that maybe, just maybe I can show I can get a good job, that maybe, just maybe, I can prove to Selena I'm worth a damn, and maybe, just maybe, I can finally have an answer for those who ask me, "Well, what do you want to do?".

Book outline

Chapter Fun (Brenda) 02

Chapter Through (Brenda's incident takes my inocense, and kills the old alex) late spring 02

Chapter Free (Brenda's Gone, and Escapes) summer 02

Chapter Bore (College is the machine and i'm the cog, High School friend, Radio Club, Lauren, Matt, Blonde girl) fall 02, winter break with selena, porn?, late night basement talks and phone calls

Chapter Live (New Friends, Nirali, Yer yoga club, OLLA beginning) Metting Nirali in main office starts us out, matrix movie (selena meet up) Winter 03 Jan - feb

Chapter (six) Latino Dance, Jamie, Zombie Fest, Dominic, Love for Selena, summer of bum, and love, early Winter 03 feb to Spring

Chapter Heaven (summer is fun, and love, chapter dates on calender, sex and virginity, me loosing my mind, resistance, Summer 03

Chapter Hate (fall and winter college experience leads me to be a bit alone with distance, things are great, and yet i fall prey to meeting an old internet friend. I try to be a real friend and affectionate at the same time, but while I feel i am stil the same good kid I was, my sepereation anxiety and ability to act on sex, connect with lost people, allows me to let my guard down and have a one night stand, I cheated on her, and we were together. Fall 03 daredevil valentines without selena, elias and gary

Chapter (nine) Later Winter 03

The End

and it was at that moment that I realized.. that I wasn't in love with her anymore, you know, if there was ever a a shadow of a doubt, like, you know that, that's it, you know, that just looking at her, sitting there, staring at her, looking through that box of memories and letters, and.. just... realizing that..., that just seeing the things that were never said, and... you know, like, those things were never said for a reason, and those things never happened for a reason, you know and uh, in a sense, I mean like, now at this point, never, you know and maybe things before but... I don't know,... I don't know,....... her heart.... never was


... Is Only the Beginning




You know how in school, when you are hooked up together with someone for a project? You know what, forget High School, any school, any activity. In fact, why not just say, that besides professional work that you get paid for, and not counting the lame "justification" of schooling where, "You're grades is what you get paid" but besides gainful employment, any activity in which a superior leader or director pairs you up with another person, more likely than not someone not your friend (atleast in my experience) in which you and the other(s) will have to perform a project or task, in which the score you recieve is shared equally (mostly) between those in the group. So, now that that mouthful is all the way out there, said activities always come with the stigma of being "lame" to those in perticipation. This response is usually due to not knowing the others in the group, and to protect your own ego, reputation, what have you, so that you can claim some sense of superiority, dominance and comrodery with those in the group, under the assumption that working hard is not respectable to one's merit. Acting tough is what saves your life or atleast that's the idea of displaying such a behavior. In any social setting, especially school, humans seem to distinctly do this. So is the ritual dance for any meeting of others in situations, primarily growing up, in which one person must put on a show more than the others to show a sense of power and worth higher than others. We all do it, to the nicest person in the world being outwardly nice, to the big dumb jerk who just tries to show how much of a jerk they really can be. It's all about intimidation it seems. Intimidating those around you to fear you, and intimidating the fear in you. We can be brave with a fist, or be brave with a mind. At one point though, and this is rarer than anyone thinks, just as quickly as that barrier is put up, that barrier can be stroke down, disappear, without warning, with no real reason at all except for the explanation of "I like you". Now take that "like" as what you want. Being that we speak the english language here, the ability to display the affections of romance and friendship over lap, mish mash, and get highly contrued in which we have to make up terms and words to ever get out point across. Even then... sometimes, some people just don't understand your point of view on love, and friendship, and in the end, that immortal struggle will come about again, and again, and again, until finally you can articulate it with just one sentence, and maybe, just maybe, you don't even have to with that person who comes along as gets it, and whistfully, maybe without even having to hear it at all.



Chapter Fun (One); Brenda...

The Postman

She still has them! She still keeps them! And she actually lied to her boyfriend about what they were, just so she could keep them, just so he wouldn't read them, just so she could keep..... something. Something unattainable, something that's a mystery, and something that's even a travesty. And something more, something deep inside, something that lingers and tugs at the breast of her chest. Something that keeps her throat tight at times. Something that keeps a small hole in her heart. Something that brings forth a pain and delight in her soul and mind. It's me, it's all me, the old me, and someone still in there, trying to get out. Is it something she is trying to rediscover? Or is it something..... more. What do I mean to people? I guess I can tell you this, it's all embodied in this gesture, in these ideas, in these letters. I don't know how long they will last. The old me would dream forever, and never wake from the idea, less it not be true. I guess I have changed. Am I still Rick? Am I waiting for my Elsa to come and make it all right again? Who is to be my Victor? Either way, this gives me a smile on my face. I'm singing in the rain. COME ON WITH THE RAIN, I'VE A SMILE ON MY FACE! Started out with a song, the lyrics, "I won't wait for you." and then, when I hit the high point, "I've a smile on my face" a 'Singin' in the Rain' remix. She made me happy again. All those times she makes me sad without knowing it. I told her the images I get, the sense of sadness that occurs with each passing word, that in a instant can be changed on a dime. Turn on a second. I feel euphora of this. My letters of love. I would write her all the time, constantly, and then physically. A letter in the mail box. With a note inside, and sealed with wetted glue from the saliva of my tounge. She kept them, after all these years, and him, a gossip her she calls him, she told him nothing of them at all. Who is more honest? Who can be trusted? It's foolish to believe we can fully trust someone of everything, and at the same time, it's foolish not to believe we don't all have secretes, and even more foolish to believe that we should not allow others to have them.

... Cause Tomorrow Won't Be Different

I was organizing my music the other day, and really got into this beatles remix I found on the internet. It's really cool if you know their music well. I'm such a big Beatles fan. I've almost got their entire library on my computer here. So, today though...I don't know, mine just got a little weirder. This whole entry was going to start out asking questions of life, like what do you do when all of a sudden life just seems to have passed you by so far beyond what you felt it would. I had this friend, he died two summers ago. Then, in the following winter, I found his ex-fiance online. Facebook, myspace. We really got into it, we were best friends at one point. Only, she lived in Steven's Point, and I in Milwaukee. She would visit her relatives here though, so I got to see her, but I was never able to get up there. I tried on Christmas, it was the 6 month anniversary of my friend's passing, so I tried, but it was hard, then I tried in that summer, but at that point, we fell out of communication. At one point, she even "liked" me. But, then, I don't know, I want to say, "life interviened" but that sounds like a circular argument, and doesn't explain anything. Still, she met someone, and suddenly, she was gone. I talked to another friend of her's I knew, one I met and talked with a little too. Tonya, my friend's Fiance and the girl I've been talking about this whole time, I guess is prone to be one of those girls who just abandons her friends for a guy. Even when I called her and finally got ahold of her, the first things she said when I asked where she had been she said, "With my crappy boyfriend". You never say that about someone good for you. And so... the call became less and less, the messages online took forever. occassions and dates would pass, nothing. I gave in, and I guess she did to. Now, on facebook. I saw my friend Doug, who knew my friend who died, wrote on Tonya's page. He just was saying hi and how he thought of our old friend the other day. But then, i saw a change in statue. Goddamn you Facebook. Her status was "Married".... ok? But then, her last name was changed, and then! Was the clincher.. her profile, plus her wall, was littered with congratulations on...... her new child. Her profile picture was her and her son, with her brand new baby boy. Did she get pregnant? Soon after, did she get married? How did this pass me by? Even the last time she tried to say hi, and how I got back to her on that online and then nothing, how did she not even mention it? Not a word of anything? Did she keep it from me, knowing the nature and the closeness we had, and the connection I had with Dominic (my deceased friend) and that we shared with his spirit too? Did she keep it from me? I don't know what to think. I can't be upset, but can I be happy for her? Life wasn't supposed to be like this. Now, she is just another statistic minority. Two children, non-graduate, single parent, from a single parent family. It wasn't supposed to be this way. I mean, she was supposed to move out here. We were supposed to be there for each other. She helped me and vice versa. To get over our loves, to get closure on death, it was amazing, it was fate, it was hope and love and charm and God. But then.... what happened? How can I not even try to not cry at all this. My friend... I don't know, but I felt something said, "watch her, just to make sure things are ok for him" but then. She fell through in coming to school, stopped trying, didnt' get a place to live, nor a job, stayed for a "guy" not a man, and then... the stereotype took place. It makes me want to act more responsible, to not fall into the same trap, to stay above the rest, even though I have a better support network, what if I didn't? So now, she is up there, forever. One kid, she could do it, her mother was to help, but with two, it will never be. Cause now what? I am going to have to miss her, forever now. I wanted to see her before, oh so bad, but she was living with that guy. How can I see someone and try to find out if she is ok, if she is happy, when someone is there looking over our shoulders? Now I can't begin again, cause I'm just another guy now. If I was there this whole time, it would be different, but now, I am someone too far withdrawn to even go that far. A wedding at best, then... obscurity. I hate the relationship of the troubled girl and the good guy. Cause as the good guy, I never touch, I only watch, and sometimes push them along, and then, when you least expect it, and when you even advise against it, another guy, the ones you vowed to never be, they come in. They aren't always unhappy endings.... but more than likely, the people I meet and fall in love with, yeah, that's the jist of it. So anyways, I guess.... I'll just keep on living.

Nothing Can Change This [You Know the Word]

Goddamn it, I have fucking Angela. This girl seems to pride herself on smart and bold dissisions over her life, that she is somehow better by commiting herself to a chosen path that may be less than ideal, but the most important is she commits to making something all her's. I guess that's a neat idea, but it's full of shit. I hate hearing her life. It makes me want to cry myself to sleep every night over the girl I am still so passionate about after all these years. I hate the fuck out of it. I mean, it's so dissappointing to hear from this girl. First it's the weight gain, then it's the horrid dive of a cafe she works in, with her gambling, strip bar attending, pig of a boss. Then it's the men who just hit on her in sick and disgusting ways, then it's the new waitress with her boyfriend's reply to Angela's offer of a drink, "Only if it's crack." Then it's the "best friend" decision to up and leave to LA with her drugy and pig of a boyfriend (who hit on Angela at a wedding they all attended together). I mean, can this be more sad? I always hear this shit, it never ends! It's the cop who she makes out with! The rebound guy after me, probably 7 years older than her, who spied on us in my blogs. Then it's the sick fuck after that whom broke up with her when she asked if he would still see her if she wanted to not have sex anymore. Then it's back to the spy guy again, whom she ditched her aunt to live with. I mean, if it's not hearing about her going to pride fest with her gay friends, then it's about the woman she picked up one night who asked for a ride and also took to get backing soda to heal her "upset stomach" (probably to also cut crack with). I don't know what it is. I mean, she is always surrounded by evil people, messed up people, and those who are just dumb all around. I mean, her friend in LA. This is the type of friend's she puts stock into? A girl who can't even see that a drug addict is not good for someone to date? She hooked Angela up with her present "venture", so how is her opinion and ideas of a "good man" even valid when she can't even get her own shit together? Now, granted, I guess I can say I'm around the same people at times. The girl who's family abused her, and boyfriend who tried to rape her. The woman who got divorced with two kids, then also got kidnapped by some drug dealer. The girl who got raped and came back from college. The girl who got raped before I went to college. I guess maybe these others are sort of odd too. But the difference is, I am their support, and Angela... she looks to those others for her support. I don't mean to say I don't ask for support from my friends who have problems, cause they do become true friends, and are to start out with, but when push comes to shove, it's me who comes to the rescue no matter when, or where. Angela, she isn't that type. She......................................... does she do anything? All these people... I just see them as keeping her down. Fuck their intentions. Everyone is a "good person" but when you see her yelling at me, telling me she needs someone more focused in her life. I mean, after about 4 odd places of living, with a couple of odd and controlling relationships, just who is getting farther in life? I have a good support network, and she has none, so I can't claim I'm better off than her. But I do know those who love me and claim a friendship... they are real, they are people, they love and fight hard for values and purpose driven ideals.... While Angela's.... well, she is the one that tells me she does have..... any friends.....

The Random Coat

I had some pretty extremely odd dreams lately. maybe it's becuase I've just been depressed, for the first real time in awhile. I don't know what it is. It prevents me from doing anything really. But the most detailed piece of my dream was when I was home with my grandmother, or something. I was watching American Splendor, and the character in the movie is a file clerk at a hospital. Well in my dream, so was I, or atleast a doctors office. So something about me being in the office, but also me being at hoime, digging through boxes. I was at my apartment but at my house in mukwonago, and I remember my grandma being there. So I'm finishing with my room at my place but at my house, and I saw a couple of things I had not put away, they looked like pants but then I saw they wer coats. one was green, the other was brown. they were both distinctly girls jackets, with the smaller cut, the brown one with that fake fur on the hood and blue and read, maybe randown colors inside the hood with hearts and junk. So, I knew I didn't know who's the green one was. but I swear I knew who's the brown one was. I kept checking the pockets. They contained itmes of an individual who practicly lived out of her clothes. Toothpaste, tooth brush, pens and all sorts of junk. A brian cabrera cd I remember, HA HA! And finally, the clue I had been looking for. A spare key to a toyota vehicle. The white small station wagon toyota that Angela used to drive. I was so excited. I had something of her's to give back to her. Something to see her for. It was so real, to get it back to her. But when I woke, it wasn't. I don't know why I had that dream, it was odd, but well, I'm sure the Angela in that story still resembled the one I fell in love with... verses the one I hardly recognize anymore.

Death of a MySpace

We've all seen it before, we've all heard it before, maybe not all of us have actually experienced it enough, but those who try to live a life of carefree and opptimism, they are usually the ones who are downtrodden, and beaten by this aweful online system of friendships and relationships and networkings. It's amazing the diversity of friends and knowledge you can create, but it's also an undoing once you actually meet real people. if you have a loved one, prepare for a new phase of offensive.

103 Degrees is Close Enough to Hell that I want

This weekend, after much turmoil, I guess I haven't been as honest as I would have liked to be on this blog. This stupid blog. Just what is a blog? A public announcement of private material to those who can hurt you because of what is written? How can one express themselves in any form of dignity? I have resorted mainly to the ear of a friend, and it's worked a good deal of times. The ear has changed many times, but never the less, it serves me well enough. Still, I guess I want to flesh out my mind on here. Blah blah blah, who cares. My fucking roommate wanted to see a girl i was in love with, but because he doesn't know me, he didn't understand why I would have been so upset, considering I am "with other women" at other times. The problem is, I'm not with other women, as it would sound in that sentence. I am with friends, and allies, those who trust me, and vice versa, so it comes to no surprise that what others see on the surface is not what I know, and others know. Every girl I've been close with will always say they have never met anyone like me, and that's rightfully so. I don't look for friendship or love in the same instance and when I do, I find it hard to choose. Either way, I can be close to some, and distant from others, but it's not always me that sets up these rules. My roommate chose not to understand me in being standoffish, so be it. He was a asshole for doing so and an asshole for trying to use it against me. Fuck him, i don't care how much I care about him, hate isn't the opposite of Love, so fuck him still. You don't do that to a friend, try and divide them against someone you used to be friends with for your own gain.

Either way, he fucked up, and maybe I'll get into it more later, but for now, I am still sick, sick as hell.

Even the French can Fuck Off

But the Heroes are always vigilant

Fizzinator2001 (9:26:33 PM): Hey!

KajraNight (9:26:38 PM): hi

Fizzinator2001 (9:26:49 PM): Guess who

KajraNight (9:26:59 PM): i dont know

KajraNight (9:27:02 PM): faisal?

Fizzinator2001 (9:27:08 PM): close\

KajraNight (9:27:12 PM): i dont know

Fizzinator2001 (9:27:13 PM): I am dark

Fizzinator2001 (9:27:16 PM): and have glasses

Fizzinator2001 (9:27:22 PM): when I don't have my contacts

Fizzinator2001 (9:27:29 PM): Um, I am better looking

KajraNight (9:27:36 PM): i dont know

Fizzinator2001 (9:27:43 PM): Mexican

Fizzinator2001 (9:27:53 PM): I'm a Mexi-CAN

Fizzinator2001 (9:27:59 PM): Alright, it's Dominguez

KajraNight (9:28:04 PM): o hi

Fizzinator2001 (9:28:23 PM): Whoa, don't sound so enthusiastic

KajraNight (9:28:31 PM): no no

KajraNight (9:28:31 PM): sorry

KajraNight (9:28:34 PM): i just had

KajraNight (9:28:36 PM): a bad day

Fizzinator2001 (9:28:46 PM): Yeah? What happened?

KajraNight (9:28:55 PM): lots of things

Fizzinator2001 (9:30:07 PM): Hmm, things suck, esspecially when they happen in a dense capacity

KajraNight (9:30:17 PM): yea

Fizzinator2001 (9:30:34 PM): um, if it makes you feel better, I hate my roommate right about now

Fizzinator2001 (9:31:55 PM): so come on, fill me in, it's been awhile since we've even talked, what's going on

KajraNight (9:32:12 PM): really nothing

KajraNight (9:32:13 PM): just

KajraNight (9:32:17 PM): everything

KajraNight (9:32:20 PM): that

KajraNight (9:32:21 PM): happens to me

KajraNight (9:32:24 PM): lately

KajraNight (9:32:25 PM): i mean

KajraNight (9:32:27 PM): everything

KajraNight (9:32:32 PM): that has been happening to me

KajraNight (9:32:37 PM): has been bad

Fizzinator2001 (9:33:36 PM): is someone messing with you?

KajraNight (9:33:41 PM): kind of

Fizzinator2001 (9:34:03 PM): who

KajraNight (9:35:28 PM): just some people

Fizzinator2001 (9:35:31 PM): you're still mixed in that drama from last year, aren't you

KajraNight (9:35:38 PM): kind of

KajraNight (9:35:39 PM): not

KajraNight (9:35:41 PM): thought

KajraNight (9:35:43 PM): though

KajraNight (9:35:45 PM): it came back today

Fizzinator2001 (9:36:01 PM): why, what happened today?

KajraNight (9:38:01 PM): its nothing

KajraNight (9:38:02 PM): really..

Fizzinator2001 (9:39:22 PM): Come on Kashfia, I've been trying to be your friend for sometime, you've got to let somebody in, I mean, I'm just trying to talk to you. Sorry if that sounds stern or mean

KajraNight (9:39:32 PM): no its ok

KajraNight (9:39:38 PM): why are u talking from faisals sn?

Fizzinator2001 (9:40:05 PM): cause I'm at his place, he's running around doing stuff, so I was just fooling around on his computer

Fizzinator2001 (9:40:58 PM): his aim was open, I saw your name, figured you don't really talk to me on my name, and I just wanted to say hi, and maybe just a little more than hi, cause that's all I ever get

KajraNight (9:41:12 PM): im sorry

KajraNight (9:42:57 PM): I'll try to be a better friend

KajraNight (9:42:59 PM): idont know

KajraNight (9:43:05 PM): i just have a lot of problems

KajraNight (9:43:07 PM): at the moment

KajraNight (9:43:12 PM): and i've tried

KajraNight (9:43:12 PM): to

KajraNight (9:43:17 PM): limit my friends

Fizzinator2001 (9:43:45 PM): I've just seen you bee distant, I know we aren't good friends at all really, I run into you, you say we should talk, I try and it seems you don't. I mean, it just seems that if you can be just brushing aside someone like me, whom I've never tried to push myself on you or be a creep, I guess, well, i'm having crap too, and i've learned if you don't address things when you have a chance, they can get worse

Fizzinator2001 (9:45:48 PM): I guess I just remember you contacting me, remember, you contacted me, and then saw something just fade, with a few odd bright spots, and while I never dwelled on it, sometimes if it sparked, i couldn't help but thing, "Huh, wonder what happened to her?"

Fizzinator2001 (9:48:30 PM): think*

KajraNight (9:49:35 PM): one second

KajraNight (9:49:39 PM): im so overboarded

KajraNight (9:49:45 PM): I MEAN

KajraNight (9:49:48 PM): OVERLOADED

KajraNight (9:49:52 PM): WITH SO MUCH EMOTION

KajraNight (9:49:54 PM): i can't take in

KajraNight (9:49:56 PM): what ur saying to me

Fizzinator2001 (9:50:31 PM): I didn't mean to act like you should pay attention to me more than your drama, but I guess I just wanted to get out there that I wish you weren't scared to just talk with me

Fizzinator2001 (9:52:16 PM): I'm sorry Kashfia

KajraNight (9:53:11 PM): its ok

KajraNight (9:53:15 PM): i dont know

KajraNight (9:53:17 PM): what to do

Fizzinator2001 (9:55:17 PM): What do you mean, in what regards?

KajraNight (9:55:58 PM): things

Fizzinator2001 (9:58:10 PM): Hmmm..... well, on that note, if things are bad, change them, if they are good, keep them, and if they have no real influence, then don't change a thing (ugh, again with "things", HA!)

KajraNight (9:58:33 PM): why is it that u want to be friends with me?

KajraNight (9:58:37 PM): half the ppl u hang out with hate me

Fizzinator2001 (10:00:25 PM): What do I care? They don't matter to me like that, you seem like someone more interesting than you give yourself credit for, and I guess everyone for that matter, you talked with me, always been nice, maybe cause I don't see the negative like I've heard, it only makes me want to see the other person that is really that

Fizzinator2001 (10:00:28 PM): there*

Fizzinator2001 (10:01:45 PM): maybe cause you remind me of one of my past best friends, another girl, of whom I just heard so much shit from, especially from an old girl I was with, but you know what, I decided to not fall into it, and it made all the difference, cause she cared about me enough to give me time, an ear, and a hilariously memorable laugh and smile, she was the tops to me and no one else's opinion mattered

Fizzinator2001 (10:03:12 PM): Is that why you don't really talk to me? Cause you feel that I will buy into what i might hear? That I'm too close to some 'enemy' you never told me about?

KajraNight (10:03:24 PM): yes

Fizzinator2001 (10:03:36 PM): Wow, realy?

KajraNight (10:03:39 PM): look theres a lot of things wrong with me

KajraNight (10:03:40 PM): ok?

KajraNight (10:03:46 PM): and the things u hear might as well be true

Fizzinator2001 (10:03:49 PM): So what?

Fizzinator2001 (10:03:59 PM): I mean, so what if there is alot wrong with you

KajraNight (10:04:00 PM): i think i may have major depression

Fizzinator2001 (10:04:15 PM): So does every other kid in school

Fizzinator2001 (10:04:27 PM): Why do you think I'm taking a break from school, cause it was too stressful

Fizzinator2001 (10:04:33 PM): it happens to the best of us

Fizzinator2001 (10:05:04 PM): and problems? HA HA, my 'dream girl' (so to speak) was a drunk and junkie

Fizzinator2001 (10:05:21 PM): but I still believe this is a beautiful person

Fizzinator2001 (10:05:28 PM): she is*

Fizzinator2001 (10:06:38 PM): Look, Fiasal is my only friend really with connections to you, at least that I see, but I don't ask about it, and I will admit, when in certain crowds with him, I've heard your name pop up, but I know people have talken shit about me too

Fizzinator2001 (10:08:25 PM): HA, I had made best friends with a girl at my old school, who was married, had two kids, then got a divorce, she asked me outright to be her friend, and from that day forth, it never stopped, the rumors and gossip my so called 'friends' talked about us, even my vice president of my group, whom was my closest ally, told her to be careful of me, can you believe that? I still used them in the ways I could, and never held it against them, cause I know that in the end, it's me who matters in knowing I did the right thing with her

KajraNight (10:08:59 PM): u know what?

KajraNight (10:09:05 PM): im not like that.

KajraNight (10:09:09 PM): those things they say about me

KajraNight (10:09:12 PM): still to this day

KajraNight (10:09:16 PM): i will say im not like that.

KajraNight (10:09:25 PM): half the people who talk about me

KajraNight (10:09:27 PM): dont even know me

KajraNight (10:09:43 PM): nobody has a godamn reason to be talking about me

KajraNight (10:09:55 PM): except

KajraNight (10:09:59 PM): for my ex bf

KajraNight (10:10:05 PM): which i will admit i did make a mistake

KajraNight (10:10:08 PM): that was partially my fault

KajraNight (10:10:11 PM): but was out of vain

Fizzinator2001 (10:10:28 PM): Yeah, but that's everyone, who will really know us? People, they get jealous easily, because they are threatened by strong personalities

Fizzinator2001 (10:11:11 PM): But Kashfia, that was love, you can't stop that, at the time, I mean, it is so hard, and how can anyone really talk shit about that when they were neither you or him

Fizzinator2001 (10:12:44 PM): I mean, I really have huge distrust and some resentment towards my ex, cause I tried to keep in contact and help her when she needed, she used me alot, then ran and even yelled at me once, but I still love her (that's different than being "in love with her") and try to tell others, when telling the story, to not hate her, cause that was her and me, they weren't involved

Fizzinator2001 (10:14:56 PM): You know what, Kashfia? I really don't know what they say about you, except it's possibly more negative than not (sorry to say) but I don't listen to it, cause i guess I felt maybe I would hear it from you, and if that happened, then I woul be able to defend against it, or atleast stand strong knowing the truth

Fizzinator2001 (10:15:07 PM): Rumors don't sway me too often

Fizzinator2001 (10:15:43 PM): mainly cause i've seen them up front, with me at the crosshairs as well

KajraNight (10:15:51 PM): i wish everyone was like u

Fizzinator2001 (10:16:25 PM): thanks, I'm just me

KajraNight (10:16:57 PM): wheres faisal

Fizzinator2001 (10:17:04 PM): he's gabbing on his phone

Fizzinator2001 (10:17:33 PM): don't know what about or to who

KajraNight (10:17:36 PM): o

Fizzinator2001 (10:18:10 PM): i won't let him read this or anything

KajraNight (10:18:53 PM): thanx

KajraNight (10:18:58 PM): not that it matter

KajraNight (10:19:00 PM): matters

Fizzinator2001 (10:19:45 PM): Are you ok?

KajraNight (10:19:53 PM): sort of

Fizzinator2001 (10:21:53 PM): What are you going to do the rest of the night?

KajraNight (10:23:12 PM): sleep

KajraNight (10:23:16 PM): its what the good people do

Fizzinator2001 (10:23:26 PM): ha ha, I guess

Fizzinator2001 (10:23:30 PM): personally, I'm a night owl

Fizzinator2001 (10:23:47 PM): I think the good go to sleep, but the heroes are always vigiliant

KajraNight (10:24:39 PM): oo

KajraNight (10:24:40 PM): lol

Fizzinator2001 (10:25:04 PM): he he

Fizzinator2001 (10:25:49 PM): So, are we going to speak again?

KajraNight (10:26:32 PM): ya?

KajraNight (10:26:33 PM):

Fizzinator2001 (10:26:39 PM): I will if you will

Fizzinator2001 (10:27:42 PM):

Fizzinator2001 (10:32:06 PM): still with me?

KajraNight (10:33:07 PM): yea

Fizzinator2001 (10:33:32 PM): Cause you know, that means you have to return a phone call or two

Fizzinator2001 (10:33:45 PM): and possibly a bugging on aim from time to time

KajraNight (10:33:50 PM): ok

Fizzinator2001 (10:34:40 PM): Look, i just think you are more genuinly someone worth getting to know that you think that maybe i do

KajraNight (10:36:33 PM):

Fizzinator2001 (10:36:38 PM): he he

Fizzinator2001 (10:36:48 PM): that smiley face says enough I guess, ha ha

Fizzinator2001 (10:37:26 PM): You busy this weekend?

KajraNight (10:37:59 PM): yea i work

Fizzinator2001 (10:38:04 PM): Ah

Fizzinator2001 (10:38:42 PM): Well, I close saturday at 9, ,but I had a friends birthday party to go to downtown if you wanted to do something change the pace of things a little

KajraNight (10:38:53 PM): i wish i could go

KajraNight (10:38:55 PM): really do

KajraNight (10:38:57 PM): but i have to be home

Fizzinator2001 (10:39:26 PM): that's alright, it was only a short notice suggestion

Fizzinator2001 (10:39:54 PM): But still, we should hang out soon sometime, get a cup of coffee or food

KajraNight (10:40:49 PM): yea surely

KajraNight (10:40:51 PM): let me know

KajraNight (10:40:51 PM): when

Fizzinator2001 (10:41:15 PM): yeah, well you too, cause I don't know when you work

KajraNight went away at 10:41:25 PM.

Fizzinator2001 (10:41:28 PM): I am coming to campus tuesday night for the LSU meeting

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Auto Response from KajraNight (10:41:29 PM): When life gives you a hundred reasons to cry, show life that you have a thousand reasons to smile.

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