Solitude

It's something I crave, and something I loath. Why, do we as people, desire companionship, all the while also needing space. Maybe it's those who are not ready for a complete relationship, be it romantic or plutonic, that ask for this so called idea of "space". I think, that after getting it, just finally getting it, I realize how alone I truely am. I've been thinking about Selena constantly, and my desire to be a good man, also fighting the idea of making things right. It's so intense. Every day I wake up, just aching to get out of bed, but I can't do it, i can't get out. I sit there, for hours on end, just in self pity, just denial. I'm trying to find a job, and my search is daunting, it also keeps me from getting up, cause I feel pathetic. I need work, it's what keeps a man sane in this do nothing world. A man does not live on dreams alone. And right now, I'm running on fumes, I have been for quite awhile. My dreams aren't what they used to be. When someone ask me, "Well, what do you want to do?" I draw blanks. I really have no fucking idea at all anymore. I need to do something though, I'm applying everywhere, so that maybe, just maybe I can show I can get a good job, that maybe, just maybe, I can prove to Selena I'm worth a damn, and maybe, just maybe, I can finally have an answer for those who ask me, "Well, what do you want to do?".