... Cause Tomorrow Won't Be Different

I was organizing my music the other day, and really got into this beatles remix I found on the internet. It's really cool if you know their music well. I'm such a big Beatles fan. I've almost got their entire library on my computer here. So, today though...I don't know, mine just got a little weirder. This whole entry was going to start out asking questions of life, like what do you do when all of a sudden life just seems to have passed you by so far beyond what you felt it would. I had this friend, he died two summers ago. Then, in the following winter, I found his ex-fiance online. Facebook, myspace. We really got into it, we were best friends at one point. Only, she lived in Steven's Point, and I in Milwaukee. She would visit her relatives here though, so I got to see her, but I was never able to get up there. I tried on Christmas, it was the 6 month anniversary of my friend's passing, so I tried, but it was hard, then I tried in that summer, but at that point, we fell out of communication. At one point, she even "liked" me. But, then, I don't know, I want to say, "life interviened" but that sounds like a circular argument, and doesn't explain anything. Still, she met someone, and suddenly, she was gone. I talked to another friend of her's I knew, one I met and talked with a little too. Tonya, my friend's Fiance and the girl I've been talking about this whole time, I guess is prone to be one of those girls who just abandons her friends for a guy. Even when I called her and finally got ahold of her, the first things she said when I asked where she had been she said, "With my crappy boyfriend". You never say that about someone good for you. And so... the call became less and less, the messages online took forever. occassions and dates would pass, nothing. I gave in, and I guess she did to. Now, on facebook. I saw my friend Doug, who knew my friend who died, wrote on Tonya's page. He just was saying hi and how he thought of our old friend the other day. But then, i saw a change in statue. Goddamn you Facebook. Her status was "Married".... ok? But then, her last name was changed, and then! Was the clincher.. her profile, plus her wall, was littered with congratulations on...... her new child. Her profile picture was her and her son, with her brand new baby boy. Did she get pregnant? Soon after, did she get married? How did this pass me by? Even the last time she tried to say hi, and how I got back to her on that online and then nothing, how did she not even mention it? Not a word of anything? Did she keep it from me, knowing the nature and the closeness we had, and the connection I had with Dominic (my deceased friend) and that we shared with his spirit too? Did she keep it from me? I don't know what to think. I can't be upset, but can I be happy for her? Life wasn't supposed to be like this. Now, she is just another statistic minority. Two children, non-graduate, single parent, from a single parent family. It wasn't supposed to be this way. I mean, she was supposed to move out here. We were supposed to be there for each other. She helped me and vice versa. To get over our loves, to get closure on death, it was amazing, it was fate, it was hope and love and charm and God. But then.... what happened? How can I not even try to not cry at all this. My friend... I don't know, but I felt something said, "watch her, just to make sure things are ok for him" but then. She fell through in coming to school, stopped trying, didnt' get a place to live, nor a job, stayed for a "guy" not a man, and then... the stereotype took place. It makes me want to act more responsible, to not fall into the same trap, to stay above the rest, even though I have a better support network, what if I didn't? So now, she is up there, forever. One kid, she could do it, her mother was to help, but with two, it will never be. Cause now what? I am going to have to miss her, forever now. I wanted to see her before, oh so bad, but she was living with that guy. How can I see someone and try to find out if she is ok, if she is happy, when someone is there looking over our shoulders? Now I can't begin again, cause I'm just another guy now. If I was there this whole time, it would be different, but now, I am someone too far withdrawn to even go that far. A wedding at best, then... obscurity. I hate the relationship of the troubled girl and the good guy. Cause as the good guy, I never touch, I only watch, and sometimes push them along, and then, when you least expect it, and when you even advise against it, another guy, the ones you vowed to never be, they come in. They aren't always unhappy endings.... but more than likely, the people I meet and fall in love with, yeah, that's the jist of it. So anyways, I guess.... I'll just keep on living.