... Cause Tomorrow Won't Be Different

I was organizing my music the other day, and really got into this beatles remix I found on the internet. It's really cool if you know their music well. I'm such a big Beatles fan. I've almost got their entire library on my computer here. So, today though...I don't know, mine just got a little weirder. This whole entry was going to start out asking questions of life, like what do you do when all of a sudden life just seems to have passed you by so far beyond what you felt it would. I had this friend, he died two summers ago. Then, in the following winter, I found his ex-fiance online. Facebook, myspace. We really got into it, we were best friends at one point. Only, she lived in Steven's Point, and I in Milwaukee. She would visit her relatives here though, so I got to see her, but I was never able to get up there. I tried on Christmas, it was the 6 month anniversary of my friend's passing, so I tried, but it was hard, then I tried in that summer, but at that point, we fell out of communication. At one point, she even "liked" me. But, then, I don't know, I want to say, "life interviened" but that sounds like a circular argument, and doesn't explain anything. Still, she met someone, and suddenly, she was gone. I talked to another friend of her's I knew, one I met and talked with a little too. Tonya, my friend's Fiance and the girl I've been talking about this whole time, I guess is prone to be one of those girls who just abandons her friends for a guy. Even when I called her and finally got ahold of her, the first things she said when I asked where she had been she said, "With my crappy boyfriend". You never say that about someone good for you. And so... the call became less and less, the messages online took forever. occassions and dates would pass, nothing. I gave in, and I guess she did to. Now, on facebook. I saw my friend Doug, who knew my friend who died, wrote on Tonya's page. He just was saying hi and how he thought of our old friend the other day. But then, i saw a change in statue. Goddamn you Facebook. Her status was "Married".... ok? But then, her last name was changed, and then! Was the clincher.. her profile, plus her wall, was littered with congratulations on...... her new child. Her profile picture was her and her son, with her brand new baby boy. Did she get pregnant? Soon after, did she get married? How did this pass me by? Even the last time she tried to say hi, and how I got back to her on that online and then nothing, how did she not even mention it? Not a word of anything? Did she keep it from me, knowing the nature and the closeness we had, and the connection I had with Dominic (my deceased friend) and that we shared with his spirit too? Did she keep it from me? I don't know what to think. I can't be upset, but can I be happy for her? Life wasn't supposed to be like this. Now, she is just another statistic minority. Two children, non-graduate, single parent, from a single parent family. It wasn't supposed to be this way. I mean, she was supposed to move out here. We were supposed to be there for each other. She helped me and vice versa. To get over our loves, to get closure on death, it was amazing, it was fate, it was hope and love and charm and God. But then.... what happened? How can I not even try to not cry at all this. My friend... I don't know, but I felt something said, "watch her, just to make sure things are ok for him" but then. She fell through in coming to school, stopped trying, didnt' get a place to live, nor a job, stayed for a "guy" not a man, and then... the stereotype took place. It makes me want to act more responsible, to not fall into the same trap, to stay above the rest, even though I have a better support network, what if I didn't? So now, she is up there, forever. One kid, she could do it, her mother was to help, but with two, it will never be. Cause now what? I am going to have to miss her, forever now. I wanted to see her before, oh so bad, but she was living with that guy. How can I see someone and try to find out if she is ok, if she is happy, when someone is there looking over our shoulders? Now I can't begin again, cause I'm just another guy now. If I was there this whole time, it would be different, but now, I am someone too far withdrawn to even go that far. A wedding at best, then... obscurity. I hate the relationship of the troubled girl and the good guy. Cause as the good guy, I never touch, I only watch, and sometimes push them along, and then, when you least expect it, and when you even advise against it, another guy, the ones you vowed to never be, they come in. They aren't always unhappy endings.... but more than likely, the people I meet and fall in love with, yeah, that's the jist of it. So anyways, I guess.... I'll just keep on living.

Nothing Can Change This [You Know the Word]

Goddamn it, I have fucking Angela. This girl seems to pride herself on smart and bold dissisions over her life, that she is somehow better by commiting herself to a chosen path that may be less than ideal, but the most important is she commits to making something all her's. I guess that's a neat idea, but it's full of shit. I hate hearing her life. It makes me want to cry myself to sleep every night over the girl I am still so passionate about after all these years. I hate the fuck out of it. I mean, it's so dissappointing to hear from this girl. First it's the weight gain, then it's the horrid dive of a cafe she works in, with her gambling, strip bar attending, pig of a boss. Then it's the men who just hit on her in sick and disgusting ways, then it's the new waitress with her boyfriend's reply to Angela's offer of a drink, "Only if it's crack." Then it's the "best friend" decision to up and leave to LA with her drugy and pig of a boyfriend (who hit on Angela at a wedding they all attended together). I mean, can this be more sad? I always hear this shit, it never ends! It's the cop who she makes out with! The rebound guy after me, probably 7 years older than her, who spied on us in my blogs. Then it's the sick fuck after that whom broke up with her when she asked if he would still see her if she wanted to not have sex anymore. Then it's back to the spy guy again, whom she ditched her aunt to live with. I mean, if it's not hearing about her going to pride fest with her gay friends, then it's about the woman she picked up one night who asked for a ride and also took to get backing soda to heal her "upset stomach" (probably to also cut crack with). I don't know what it is. I mean, she is always surrounded by evil people, messed up people, and those who are just dumb all around. I mean, her friend in LA. This is the type of friend's she puts stock into? A girl who can't even see that a drug addict is not good for someone to date? She hooked Angela up with her present "venture", so how is her opinion and ideas of a "good man" even valid when she can't even get her own shit together? Now, granted, I guess I can say I'm around the same people at times. The girl who's family abused her, and boyfriend who tried to rape her. The woman who got divorced with two kids, then also got kidnapped by some drug dealer. The girl who got raped and came back from college. The girl who got raped before I went to college. I guess maybe these others are sort of odd too. But the difference is, I am their support, and Angela... she looks to those others for her support. I don't mean to say I don't ask for support from my friends who have problems, cause they do become true friends, and are to start out with, but when push comes to shove, it's me who comes to the rescue no matter when, or where. Angela, she isn't that type. She......................................... does she do anything? All these people... I just see them as keeping her down. Fuck their intentions. Everyone is a "good person" but when you see her yelling at me, telling me she needs someone more focused in her life. I mean, after about 4 odd places of living, with a couple of odd and controlling relationships, just who is getting farther in life? I have a good support network, and she has none, so I can't claim I'm better off than her. But I do know those who love me and claim a friendship... they are real, they are people, they love and fight hard for values and purpose driven ideals.... While Angela's.... well, she is the one that tells me she does have..... any friends.....

The Random Coat

I had some pretty extremely odd dreams lately. maybe it's becuase I've just been depressed, for the first real time in awhile. I don't know what it is. It prevents me from doing anything really. But the most detailed piece of my dream was when I was home with my grandmother, or something. I was watching American Splendor, and the character in the movie is a file clerk at a hospital. Well in my dream, so was I, or atleast a doctors office. So something about me being in the office, but also me being at hoime, digging through boxes. I was at my apartment but at my house in mukwonago, and I remember my grandma being there. So I'm finishing with my room at my place but at my house, and I saw a couple of things I had not put away, they looked like pants but then I saw they wer coats. one was green, the other was brown. they were both distinctly girls jackets, with the smaller cut, the brown one with that fake fur on the hood and blue and read, maybe randown colors inside the hood with hearts and junk. So, I knew I didn't know who's the green one was. but I swear I knew who's the brown one was. I kept checking the pockets. They contained itmes of an individual who practicly lived out of her clothes. Toothpaste, tooth brush, pens and all sorts of junk. A brian cabrera cd I remember, HA HA! And finally, the clue I had been looking for. A spare key to a toyota vehicle. The white small station wagon toyota that Angela used to drive. I was so excited. I had something of her's to give back to her. Something to see her for. It was so real, to get it back to her. But when I woke, it wasn't. I don't know why I had that dream, it was odd, but well, I'm sure the Angela in that story still resembled the one I fell in love with... verses the one I hardly recognize anymore.

Death of a MySpace

We've all seen it before, we've all heard it before, maybe not all of us have actually experienced it enough, but those who try to live a life of carefree and opptimism, they are usually the ones who are downtrodden, and beaten by this aweful online system of friendships and relationships and networkings. It's amazing the diversity of friends and knowledge you can create, but it's also an undoing once you actually meet real people. if you have a loved one, prepare for a new phase of offensive.

103 Degrees is Close Enough to Hell that I want

This weekend, after much turmoil, I guess I haven't been as honest as I would have liked to be on this blog. This stupid blog. Just what is a blog? A public announcement of private material to those who can hurt you because of what is written? How can one express themselves in any form of dignity? I have resorted mainly to the ear of a friend, and it's worked a good deal of times. The ear has changed many times, but never the less, it serves me well enough. Still, I guess I want to flesh out my mind on here. Blah blah blah, who cares. My fucking roommate wanted to see a girl i was in love with, but because he doesn't know me, he didn't understand why I would have been so upset, considering I am "with other women" at other times. The problem is, I'm not with other women, as it would sound in that sentence. I am with friends, and allies, those who trust me, and vice versa, so it comes to no surprise that what others see on the surface is not what I know, and others know. Every girl I've been close with will always say they have never met anyone like me, and that's rightfully so. I don't look for friendship or love in the same instance and when I do, I find it hard to choose. Either way, I can be close to some, and distant from others, but it's not always me that sets up these rules. My roommate chose not to understand me in being standoffish, so be it. He was a asshole for doing so and an asshole for trying to use it against me. Fuck him, i don't care how much I care about him, hate isn't the opposite of Love, so fuck him still. You don't do that to a friend, try and divide them against someone you used to be friends with for your own gain.

Either way, he fucked up, and maybe I'll get into it more later, but for now, I am still sick, sick as hell.

Even the French can Fuck Off