Chapter Fun (Brenda) 02
Chapter Through (Brenda's incident takes my inocense, and kills the old alex) late spring 02
Chapter Free (Brenda's Gone, and Escapes) summer 02
Chapter Bore (College is the machine and i'm the cog, High School friend, Radio Club, Lauren, Matt, Blonde girl) fall 02, winter break with selena, porn?, late night basement talks and phone calls
Chapter Live (New Friends, Nirali, Yer yoga club, OLLA beginning) Metting Nirali in main office starts us out, matrix movie (selena meet up) Winter 03 Jan - feb
Chapter (six) Latino Dance, Jamie, Zombie Fest, Dominic, Love for Selena, summer of bum, and love, early Winter 03 feb to Spring
Chapter Heaven (summer is fun, and love, chapter dates on calender, sex and virginity, me loosing my mind, resistance, Summer 03
Chapter Hate (fall and winter college experience leads me to be a bit alone with distance, things are great, and yet i fall prey to meeting an old internet friend. I try to be a real friend and affectionate at the same time, but while I feel i am stil the same good kid I was, my sepereation anxiety and ability to act on sex, connect with lost people, allows me to let my guard down and have a one night stand, I cheated on her, and we were together. Fall 03 daredevil valentines without selena, elias and gary
Chapter (nine) Later Winter 03
Friday, March 21, 2008
The End
and it was at that moment that I realized.. that I wasn't in love with her anymore, you know, if there was ever a a shadow of a doubt, like, you know that, that's it, you know, that just looking at her, sitting there, staring at her, looking through that box of memories and letters, and.. just... realizing that..., that just seeing the things that were never said, and... you know, like, those things were never said for a reason, and those things never happened for a reason, you know and uh, in a sense, I mean like, now at this point, never, you know and maybe things before but... I don't know,... I don't know,....... her heart.... never was
... Is Only the Beginning
You know how in school, when you are hooked up together with someone for a project? You know what, forget High School, any school, any activity. In fact, why not just say, that besides professional work that you get paid for, and not counting the lame "justification" of schooling where, "You're grades is what you get paid" but besides gainful employment, any activity in which a superior leader or director pairs you up with another person, more likely than not someone not your friend (atleast in my experience) in which you and the other(s) will have to perform a project or task, in which the score you recieve is shared equally (mostly) between those in the group. So, now that that mouthful is all the way out there, said activities always come with the stigma of being "lame" to those in perticipation. This response is usually due to not knowing the others in the group, and to protect your own ego, reputation, what have you, so that you can claim some sense of superiority, dominance and comrodery with those in the group, under the assumption that working hard is not respectable to one's merit. Acting tough is what saves your life or atleast that's the idea of displaying such a behavior. In any social setting, especially school, humans seem to distinctly do this. So is the ritual dance for any meeting of others in situations, primarily growing up, in which one person must put on a show more than the others to show a sense of power and worth higher than others. We all do it, to the nicest person in the world being outwardly nice, to the big dumb jerk who just tries to show how much of a jerk they really can be. It's all about intimidation it seems. Intimidating those around you to fear you, and intimidating the fear in you. We can be brave with a fist, or be brave with a mind. At one point though, and this is rarer than anyone thinks, just as quickly as that barrier is put up, that barrier can be stroke down, disappear, without warning, with no real reason at all except for the explanation of "I like you". Now take that "like" as what you want. Being that we speak the english language here, the ability to display the affections of romance and friendship over lap, mish mash, and get highly contrued in which we have to make up terms and words to ever get out point across. Even then... sometimes, some people just don't understand your point of view on love, and friendship, and in the end, that immortal struggle will come about again, and again, and again, until finally you can articulate it with just one sentence, and maybe, just maybe, you don't even have to with that person who comes along as gets it, and whistfully, maybe without even having to hear it at all.
Chapter Fun (One); Brenda...
... Is Only the Beginning
You know how in school, when you are hooked up together with someone for a project? You know what, forget High School, any school, any activity. In fact, why not just say, that besides professional work that you get paid for, and not counting the lame "justification" of schooling where, "You're grades is what you get paid" but besides gainful employment, any activity in which a superior leader or director pairs you up with another person, more likely than not someone not your friend (atleast in my experience) in which you and the other(s) will have to perform a project or task, in which the score you recieve is shared equally (mostly) between those in the group. So, now that that mouthful is all the way out there, said activities always come with the stigma of being "lame" to those in perticipation. This response is usually due to not knowing the others in the group, and to protect your own ego, reputation, what have you, so that you can claim some sense of superiority, dominance and comrodery with those in the group, under the assumption that working hard is not respectable to one's merit. Acting tough is what saves your life or atleast that's the idea of displaying such a behavior. In any social setting, especially school, humans seem to distinctly do this. So is the ritual dance for any meeting of others in situations, primarily growing up, in which one person must put on a show more than the others to show a sense of power and worth higher than others. We all do it, to the nicest person in the world being outwardly nice, to the big dumb jerk who just tries to show how much of a jerk they really can be. It's all about intimidation it seems. Intimidating those around you to fear you, and intimidating the fear in you. We can be brave with a fist, or be brave with a mind. At one point though, and this is rarer than anyone thinks, just as quickly as that barrier is put up, that barrier can be stroke down, disappear, without warning, with no real reason at all except for the explanation of "I like you". Now take that "like" as what you want. Being that we speak the english language here, the ability to display the affections of romance and friendship over lap, mish mash, and get highly contrued in which we have to make up terms and words to ever get out point across. Even then... sometimes, some people just don't understand your point of view on love, and friendship, and in the end, that immortal struggle will come about again, and again, and again, until finally you can articulate it with just one sentence, and maybe, just maybe, you don't even have to with that person who comes along as gets it, and whistfully, maybe without even having to hear it at all.
Chapter Fun (One); Brenda...
Monday, March 3, 2008
The Postman
She still has them! She still keeps them! And she actually lied to her boyfriend about what they were, just so she could keep them, just so he wouldn't read them, just so she could keep..... something. Something unattainable, something that's a mystery, and something that's even a travesty. And something more, something deep inside, something that lingers and tugs at the breast of her chest. Something that keeps her throat tight at times. Something that keeps a small hole in her heart. Something that brings forth a pain and delight in her soul and mind. It's me, it's all me, the old me, and someone still in there, trying to get out. Is it something she is trying to rediscover? Or is it something..... more. What do I mean to people? I guess I can tell you this, it's all embodied in this gesture, in these ideas, in these letters. I don't know how long they will last. The old me would dream forever, and never wake from the idea, less it not be true. I guess I have changed. Am I still Rick? Am I waiting for my Elsa to come and make it all right again? Who is to be my Victor? Either way, this gives me a smile on my face. I'm singing in the rain. COME ON WITH THE RAIN, I'VE A SMILE ON MY FACE! Started out with a song, the lyrics, "I won't wait for you." and then, when I hit the high point, "I've a smile on my face" a 'Singin' in the Rain' remix. She made me happy again. All those times she makes me sad without knowing it. I told her the images I get, the sense of sadness that occurs with each passing word, that in a instant can be changed on a dime. Turn on a second. I feel euphora of this. My letters of love. I would write her all the time, constantly, and then physically. A letter in the mail box. With a note inside, and sealed with wetted glue from the saliva of my tounge. She kept them, after all these years, and him, a gossip her she calls him, she told him nothing of them at all. Who is more honest? Who can be trusted? It's foolish to believe we can fully trust someone of everything, and at the same time, it's foolish not to believe we don't all have secretes, and even more foolish to believe that we should not allow others to have them.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)