I am incredibly depressed

I am incredibly depressed. I’m sitting here in my car in a park n’ ride while my wife and son sleep in their warm beds in my home. I feel like a loser. One of my best friends is dead. Died from suicide 10 months ago. Father died two years ago. 4 months before that, my uncle died. My aunt soon after that. I’ve had a lot of death. While I’ve reached out for people to respond, I’ve had many offers for help but I can’t tell them the truth. The silence would be deafening. I tried telling a therapist but they didn’t seem to want to give me much feedback and follow up impossible. I sit here in this car after a fake date from a woman I cuddled with once, turned into what I didn’t want and while I thought maybe she’d hear my soul, she laughs at my stories of heartache and torment at the most inappropriate times. I’m not home, after a long weekend vacation that was great. No, I’m not home because my wife cannot take care of my solace. She never asks, “Are you doing ok?” Even when I explicitly ask. No, she talks about it once and that’s it. She gets jealous of me planning my friends memorial with his widowed wife, our son’s Godmother whom my wife picked out. No, nothing’s good enough. If she wants me around, how come I feel so dejected at home? Why am I not home in bed with her? Because my best friend who came back from Sweden changed his plans to see me to do something else. I can’t afford a ticket to see him in Texas. He could totally get me one but I’m not begging. No, I’d rather pretend I’m happy and try to find something to do to forget my pain than stay home with my self pity. I miss everyone. I miss my dead friend. I miss my long distant friend. I miss my Uncle who I looked up to. I miss my Father who I adored and admired. I’m an incredibly sad and hurt human being. I’m not going to kill myself but I’m not sure how much I can take.

That’s enough pity for tonight. I’m going to end it all. My exploits I mean. I need to find happiness where I am. I cannot find it elsewhere. No one is going to hold more joy than the heartache I have and will bring on if I leave my family. It’s not possible to do. I love my son. I adore him. I have to live for him above all else. I don’t know why my friend couldn’t see that before he shot himself.

He had 4 kids. If I have just one and I’m scared for him then why didn’t his 4 do it even more for him to stay? Why didn’t all those profiteers see what they were doing? I hope they feel even half the pain I do in speeding up his demise. I’m so sick of this pain.

Sun King

Nahal

I feel like I'm in a trance, I'm in a daze. I have never felt this way, not in a million years. this girl sets my heart afire and no one else is to care. No one else matters, no one else dares. I see the flowers of the past die, and the new ones bloom for eternity. She makes me want to forget everyone of the past, every evil ex, every person I've ever known. She makes me scared to grow up and but brave to be a man. She is the cure to my heart, the mason tto my stone. She chips away effortlessly, with a smile and a grin. Her teeth radiate like the the sun to me. Her eyes laugh like a child. Her hair glistens in the rain, and her walk makes fresh gusts of wind. I met a girl once, or should I say, she met me. Maybe we met each other at the same time. Somehow, one day, while stalking on facebook, befor that was a fad, before that was a word, I met a girl, who's smile was of the stuff dreams are made of. I added her, not thinking of it much, just trying to find a pretty girl. But her creativity, her inability to be smug, the thousands of pictures and I only saw the ones, where she was prettiest to me, or that's all I remembered. One day I got her number, and she was to be coy. She played hard to get, too hard for the mexican boy. I wanted to get to know her, but her heart wouldn't let it be. So I had to overcome her, and I had to make her see. I was the one to cure her ills, the one to meet her needs, so I kept texting for a ressponse, for something to make her see me. it was two and fro, just a playful dance, until onne day I came back from mexico, and made quite a stance. i said I was back, and she asked me from where, I said from the motherland, and I hated to leave there. we stroke up a bit of banter, and banter lead to a talk, a talk lead to laughter, and laughter lead to thought. Who was this boy, she wondered, and I wondered, who was this girl, but I knew something was to be discovered, and a passion began to unfurl. Again and again I asked her to meet, but "next time" she did plea, until once I asked for ice cream, and she agreed to see me. I was frantic of what to do, tried not to remind her of her decision, least she come to her wits, and find an excuse to bail, and see against her intuition. I didn't know if it was intuition that allowed us to meet, but I like to think so, and in that I succeeded a great feat. We had funny banter, and nervousness at times, but it sparked into something interesting, and soon we read each others minds. I kept her up past her bed time, but it certainly was worth the wait, and I thought of her all the while home, and kept thinking how it was great. I didn't know shew was upset, and still avoided me from time to time, but our text we invigorating, and kept me fresh inside her mind. Baseball games, and natural sun tans, and pictures of our breakfast, you think we were best friends forever, but it was love that crept up steadfast. A night at the beach was a sweet moment for two, but we could not kiss, neither dared follow through. It was that time of feeling you hated to keep secrete but just wasn't sure. But a feeling I needed to make sure was time tested and pure. I wasted countless nights on others, and never gave them a test, but this girl I knew was something, and worth the effort, none the less. Then finally one night, when no one was home, I took her up to my room, and told her she returned my poem. The type of speech you speak when you have an expression to say, and I'll admit hate, hurt and greed kept it locked deep away. For those too many I hurt, and the many who hurt me back, it wasn't worth a damn in my mind to even talk back. I didn't want to love, I couldn't remember what it was like, i wanted to feel numb, I forgot what it was to treat a woman right. Until you came along, with luscious eyes of brown, you've become my Persian Godess, my lovely queen, and royal crown. i want to honor you in the day, want to honor you at nite. i want to want to be your shinning armor, i want to make all your past wrongs right. For you make my past no more, my present becomes more stunning, because you're heart paves my new path, I no longer feel like i'm running. My fears at at my heals, I stomp them instead of run. You make me pick up the olive branch for others, you make me forget about the gun. The path to life is love, I had forgotten that was true. The path to happiness is peace, and the happiness is you.

You Deserve More than a Lover

look, i wasn't trying to upset you, I was trying to get you to talk and maybe get you out of your mood

all of our status updates are based on an instant mood

something tells me that there is a lot going on in your life right now, more than just the shoes

and it always seems since we've last hung out, you've been pretty terse with me as well.

I mean, I don't know you, not at all, it's been over 3 weeks since we've last hung out, or even honestly talked for more than a few minutes. I want to know whats going on with you. I mean, i don't play games, you said you didn't want to, so you know I'm not trying to get close for some random average guy bullshit. You seem to have a lot of great traits, and I want to tap into them. But also know I'm not just trying to be with you, I want to get to know you.

Now I was going to try once more to have a real normal talk with you, maybe consider you are just too busy as of late, but when we first hung out, you didn't even know me, and still made time for me, twice in a row, and even after that, talked to me all my way home, saying you're attracted to me, you've told your mom all about me, and were excited "to see where this goes" and.... it really hasn't gone anywhere. Seems like you're avoiding me.

what's with all the distance- is something bothering you? I'm just curious, I've been wondering about you.

I mean, you asked me that first night, "why do guys come off all super excited, and then cool off suddenly?" I told you it was a control issue, something to make people steamed enough to get that person stuck in someones head. Well, I could ask that of girls, cause it seems like that's what going on, and girl, you're stuck in mine.

I'm just saying I'll be there for you, cause you know I'm not about games, so this is the truth to you, cause I'm too old to be playing that shit, time to grow up. And honestly, I want to, and would love to see that with you too, because you told me in your life, men have come and gone (if you can call them 'men') and once they got what they wanted from you, they left. That all you've had were lovers.

Norma, I just want you to know, that you deserve more than just a lover, (and I've been dying forever to let you know that face to face) you deserve a friend, you deserve a relationship. You deserves a hand, and a heart, and a hug and hold. Don't be like everyone else, achieve your dream, because of what I know so far, from the girl I didn't know, who told me all her aspirations, you are better than the rest who surround us. So, if at least you choose to not answer me, know that you are something that is better.

Don't shoot me out of your life to quickly, because while you dropped your guard those first few nights, I didn't.... until you told me you were excited to see where we were to go, and now, I can't stop thinking about you.

Hopefully, I'll talk to you soon, but honestly, I had to let it out. God bless, and with a little luck, I'll talk to you soon.

play it off like you're curious about her and wondering about her well0beeing and all that

but also be prepared to hear what she has to say even if you don't like it

And the whole world was out Oyster!

Alex

Hey, David

9:47pmDavid

hey

9:48pmAlex

Remember that one time it was like super insane outside at UW-Waukesha, and it was like Hurrican type conditions?

9:48pmDavid

haha

yeah!

9:48pmAlex

and then I ran outside from the computer lab, and ran in the rain, and yelled at the sky, "IS THAT THE BEST YOU CAN DO?!?!?!"

9:48pmDavid

hahaha

yes, I remember that

I love thunderstorms!

I miss UW-Waukesha because of times like those :)\

:)

9:49pmAlex

I know

I miss those days too

Man, the whole world was our oyster!

9:50pmDavid

yeah

I just GOT TO KNOW!

Alex

Bah!

9:52pmDiana

wassup mang

9:53pmAlex

remember that damn girl I was complaining about?

9:53pmDiana

yupp

9:54pmAlex

i kind of tried to confront her

just on here, said hi, she was all like, "HEY! HOW ARE YOU!?!?"

I talked a little then was like, where have you been? she said she was busy, i said I wasn't sure if she was blowing me off, she said she wasn't, and that she was ok, then when I finally get into just trying to make small talk about the day, she logs off

DAAMN IT!

9:56pmDiana

it sounds like she doesn't have much on her mind

lol

did you try calling her straight up?

9:56pmAlex

no

I was trying to see if she would contact me

9:57pmDiana

call tosee what happpens

thats my advice!

9:59pmAlex

just call her now?

10:02pmAlex

?

10:04pmDiana

um no

like at a normal time

lol

10:04pmAlex

ok

I was going to text her, "Well, I guess when you have more time for me, just contact me." or should I just wait to call at a decent nite sometime?"

10:05pmDiana

2nd option

10:06pmAlex

ok

10:09pmAlex

i'll calm down

this girl is driving me nuts

she's a conundrum, and I HAVE TO SOLVE IT!

10:11pmDiana

lol ok

what if you ju stdont care

what woul dhappen

10:12pmAlex

i'd be pissed

10:13pmAlex

fine, whatever

10:13pmDiana

what

did something serious happen

cuz it seems like you're really invested in this person

maybe i am just missing something here

10:14pmAlex

well, yeah, i am!

she took this insane chance on me, exposed herself, heart and soul to me, got my heart all spun in a bunch, gave me a kiss, told me she told her mom all about me, said she's nuts about me, then stops talking to me and I JUST NEED TO KNOW!

THAT'S A BIG FUCKING DEAL!@

10:16pmDiana

okay

dont get mad at me, shoo

i didn't know all that info lol

10:16pmAlex

yeah, I know

10:16pmDiana

dang sounds kinda bogus now that you told me all that!

10:16pmAlex

it's just been building up in my mind, it's been tearing me up

10:16pmDiana

you should just call her right now

and be like dude wtf is your issue?

10:22pmAlex

hmmm

yeah?

10:22pmDiana

if jonathan did that to me

oooooo

it would juts downright piss me off

playin me like that

10:28pmAlex

I think I should

not tonight, i'm too flustered at the moment

10:28pmDiana

yea

sory alex

10:28pmAlex

and it's so late

10:29pmDiana

i didn't know ya'll had developed that much intimacy in your relationship

but yea if she was avoiding you or soemthing like that ... she's gotta just be real and end it more maturely

10:30pmAlex

yeah

well, it was only 3 days, but all in a row, and her saying she was excited to see where this was going to go

10:34pmDiana

hrms

i see

10:34pmAlex

so I don't know, I did everything right keeping my guard up, but once I let it down after that night, she canceled on me once, then stood me up the next

so i'm a little on edge

10:35pmDiana

well ya just call er up and be like yoo waddups. what's with all the distance- is something bothering you?

play it off like you're curious about her and wondering about her well0beeing and all that

but also be prepared to hear what she has to say even if you dont like it

10:37pmAlex

yeah, whats with the distance, is something bothering you?

that sounds good

ugh, i should wait for another day though

10:37pmDiana

yea just call tomorrow

aite son i gotta sleep

early day tomorrow

jonathan is playing magic the gathering tonight until ike 2 in the morning

give him a text to go to bed

LOL

he'll be surprised

dont tell him i said anything tho!

10:38pmAlex

ha ha

ok

thanks, diana

10:38pmDiana

no prob

night!

10:39pmAlex

Good night

What do you do to be Un-Bored?

Alex

hola

10:24pmNorma

que tal

como estas?

10:24pmAlex

i'm alright, tired, you?

10:24pmNorma

tthe same

very bored

10:26pmAlex

ha

what do you do to be unbored usually? meaning, "what do you do for fun?

10:27pmNorma

hand out

hang out

lol

with my firends

10:28pmAlex

ah

what do you guys do?

10:29pmNorma

sumtimes go out to eat, hit the clubs things like that

10:29pmAlex

ah, nice

10:30pmNorma

yep LOL!

10:30pmAlex

yeah, that's how me and my buddies are

10:30pmNorma

nice

but alot of them are gone rite now u no spring brake

10:30pmAlex

ah

so now you need something to do, huh?

10:31pmNorma

yeah!

LOL!

Y?

10:31pmAlex

ha ha ha

go see a movie

have a martini

a glass of wine

10:31pmNorma

yeah soundz good when u can

10:32pmAlex

Hmmm, tomorrow nite maybe

10:32pmNorma

aight

i get out of work at 10

10:32pmAlex

Ok, sweet, yeah I'll come out, whats your number

10:33pmNorma

414-393-7797

text me urz w ur name so i no who u are

10:35pmNorma

got it!

10:35pmAlex

ha ha

hilarious

10:35pmNorma

i dont drive though

10:35pmAlex

ah, just like a mexican

10:35pmNorma

lol

10:35pmAlex

you are mexican, right?

ha ha

10:35pmNorma

no

jut like a broke college student

10:35pmAlex

I knew it, I'm like, "I'm going to eat those words"

Ah

10:36pmNorma

lol

10:36pmAlex

and you're where, on campus?

10:36pmNorma

no in west allis

but

i work in the south side

10:36pmAlex

Ah, yesh! the Stallis

10:36pmNorma

botanas 5th and national

10:36pmAlex

Ah

that's a cool place

10:37pmNorma

yep

10:37pmAlex

ok, so pick you up at 10?

10:38pmNorma

aight soundz good!

10:38pmAlex

i'll probably be dressed in my work clothes too

10:38pmNorma

lol dats cool it's only tuesday

10:38pmAlex

yeah, that's right

what you want to get first?

Oh, I know where to go

10:38pmNorma

where?

10:40pmAlex

Blu

at the Pfister

10:40pmNorma

ok never been there but soundz good!

10:40pmAlex

lets hit that for a nice hard drink, then off to Balzac for some wine

10:41pmNorma

aight! I luv wine!

10:41pmAlex

nice

10:41pmNorma

yep

lol

10:42pmAlex

and then we should get some hooka

10:42pmNorma

I luve hooka

too

where?

though

10:42pmAlex

hmmm, maybe casablanca, but it could be cool at 2 Sweet as well

10:43pmNorma

ok

10:43pmAlex

casa is cool if you want to eat, but 2 sweet is more remote

Or hell, Shi Chia

10:43pmNorma

wats that?

10:44pmAlex

a hooka bar

hmmm

10:44pmNorma

oh nice nice!

10:44pmAlex

with a good buzz that we'll probably have, I think casa will do nicely

10:44pmNorma

yeah me too how late is it open to?

10:45pmAlex

damn, only until 10 on tuesdays

10:45pmNorma

we'll there are the other bars

we'll there are the other bars

10:46pmAlex

ah, Shi Chai is open until 2, we'll hit that

10:46pmNorma

aight is it open on tues though?

10:46pmAlex

yeah

10:46pmNorma

cool!

10:47pmAlex

alright, nite planned. DONE!

10:47pmNorma

yep

sounds like we'll have a good time

10:47pmAlex

I think we should

do you need to eat by then?

10:48pmNorma

idk do u?

10:48pmAlex

maybe....

10:48pmNorma

most rest arn;t open that late

10:48pmAlex

I feel like a steak at that point

i'll find something before hand

10:49pmNorma

aight soundz very good then!

10:49pmAlex

aweomse

awesome*

10:50pmNorma

aight text me 2marrow!

10:50pmAlex

yeah, for sure, text me tomorrow during the day if you want

10:50pmNorma

ok! soundz good!

see ya 2marrow then!

goodnite!

10:50pmAlex

time to finish seinfeld. NITE!

10:50pmNorma

lol

10:52pmNorma is offline.